Chess Jokes

Main

Date: 22 Jan 2006 03:17:49
From: J.L.W.S. The Special One
Subject: Chess Jokes

Does anyone have any jokes about chess?

I once had dinner with Kasparov. However, we used a checkered
tablecloth, so it took him hours to finish his dinner.

Date: 27 Jan 2006 21:27:29
From: Rob
Subject: Brennan Lies

Not only can you not play chess .. you cannot even accuratly read and
understand the contexts of your own previous posts. You should not be
so anxious to attack Neil. It leaves oneself open to attacks. I will
not attack you however. Just read first. Play me if you dare. Then you
may poke fun of something that is real rather than battling phantoms of
your own paranoid delusions.

Have a special day

Rob

Date: 27 Jan 2006 18:29:24
From: The Historian
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Rob wrote:
> Chess One wrote:
> > "The Historian" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> > news:[email protected]...
> > >
> > > Chess One wrote:
> > >> "Ralf Callenberg" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> > >> news:[email protected]...
> > >> > The Historian wrote:
> > >> >
> > >> >>>
> > >> >>> Yes, you've mentioned that something like fourteen trillion times
> > >> >>> now.
> > >> >>> I think we all know your opinion on the matter.
> > >> >>
> > >> >>
> > >> >> But it's not a matter of opinion. I think if Mr. Innes claims a title,
> > >> >> he
> > >> >> should be able to substantiate his claim.
> > >> >
> > >> > Maybe, but repeating it over and over and over and over again is stupid
> > >> > and annoying.
> > >>
> > >> Mr. Brennan is into 'authorities' and wants stuff proved to him. This is
> > >> usually a 40 credit subject from his starting point. He thinkspeople
> > >> /want/
> > >> to prove things to him - but I do not see this is true in practice,
> > >> neither
> > >> do they say so themselves.
> > >>
> > >> He is not really interested in my playing level 30 years ago, why should
> > >> he
> > >> be? At his request I once posted a game I played against "the man who
> > >> beat
> > >> Frank shall", and Brennan declared it was not a master game.
> > >
> > > Notice the telling absence of a quotation, folks. Innes is lying again.
> >
> > I am lying about:-
> >
> > > He's also failing to disclose this self-proclaimed "master game" was
> > > played more than six decades after Innes' opponent played shall.
> >
> > As you see - we do not have a towering genius of logic here.
> >
> > > Friends of mine, an expert and a master, have beaten Bisguier; but they
> > > don't pin their chess playing reputations to one game against an aging
> > > great.
> >
> > ROFL! Who ever said I did? Only Brennan is OBSESSED with mentioning it.
> >
> > This lunatic cant play chess, cant talk about it either and has never
> > contributed to any thread without losing his cool after two goes.
> >
> > > If there was any truth to Innes' "Nearly an IM 2450" title, Innes
> > > wouldn't be shy about providing it.
> >
> > You shied away from me, boy. You have now convinced yourself that your own
> > claims for me are my own, so you even put them into inverted commas.
> >
> > I always think about this nincompoop Brenman, that at least if he's lying
> > about me, he wont be lying about someone else - which is a public service,
> > and besides,
> >
> > when he is here, some of those strange anons are not!
> >
> > ;)
> >
> > Of course, this idiotic fatuous lying is not so bad as those who can do it
> > more cleverly, and do actual harm to reputations where it matters - like if
> > you wrote books, eg. Some of these scum-bags have been looking for dirt for
> > years. They obsessionally fix on a target, and can't seem to write about
> > anything else.
> >
> > I wonder who is pulling their strings? No one can be this stupid all on
> > their own, it surely needs encouragement by the hidden master?
> >
> > Phil Innes
> >
> > >> So much for his interest is chess, or, actually, truth-telling.
> > >>
> > >> Phil Innes
> > >>
> > >> > Greetings,
> > >> > Ralf
> > >
>
> To all chess newsgroups and readers:
>
> Mr Innes is correct in his ascertions about Neil. I have NO idea what
> his e-mail address is other than as it is posted on this newsgroup.

On June 30, 2005, Robtroll was defending falsehoods in a press release
he had emailed me. Search under "Trollgar press release".

Snip Mitchell Merde.

Date: 27 Jan 2006 06:38:50
From: Rob
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Chess One wrote:
> "The Historian" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
> >
> > Chess One wrote:
> >> "Ralf Callenberg" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> >> news:[email protected]...
> >> > The Historian wrote:
> >> >
> >> >>>
> >> >>> Yes, you've mentioned that something like fourteen trillion times
> >> >>> now.
> >> >>> I think we all know your opinion on the matter.
> >> >>
> >> >>
> >> >> But it's not a matter of opinion. I think if Mr. Innes claims a title,
> >> >> he
> >> >> should be able to substantiate his claim.
> >> >
> >> > Maybe, but repeating it over and over and over and over again is stupid
> >> > and annoying.
> >>
> >> Mr. Brennan is into 'authorities' and wants stuff proved to him. This is
> >> usually a 40 credit subject from his starting point. He thinkspeople
> >> /want/
> >> to prove things to him - but I do not see this is true in practice,
> >> neither
> >> do they say so themselves.
> >>
> >> He is not really interested in my playing level 30 years ago, why should
> >> he
> >> be? At his request I once posted a game I played against "the man who
> >> beat
> >> Frank shall", and Brennan declared it was not a master game.
> >
> > Notice the telling absence of a quotation, folks. Innes is lying again.
>
> I am lying about:-
>
> > He's also failing to disclose this self-proclaimed "master game" was
> > played more than six decades after Innes' opponent played shall.
>
> As you see - we do not have a towering genius of logic here.
>
> > Friends of mine, an expert and a master, have beaten Bisguier; but they
> > don't pin their chess playing reputations to one game against an aging
> > great.
>
> ROFL! Who ever said I did? Only Brennan is OBSESSED with mentioning it.
>
> This lunatic cant play chess, cant talk about it either and has never
> contributed to any thread without losing his cool after two goes.
>
> > If there was any truth to Innes' "Nearly an IM 2450" title, Innes
> > wouldn't be shy about providing it.
>
> You shied away from me, boy. You have now convinced yourself that your own
> claims for me are my own, so you even put them into inverted commas.
>
> I always think about this nincompoop Brenman, that at least if he's lying
> about me, he wont be lying about someone else - which is a public service,
> and besides,
>
> when he is here, some of those strange anons are not!
>
> ;)
>
> Of course, this idiotic fatuous lying is not so bad as those who can do it
> more cleverly, and do actual harm to reputations where it matters - like if
> you wrote books, eg. Some of these scum-bags have been looking for dirt for
> years. They obsessionally fix on a target, and can't seem to write about
> anything else.
>
> I wonder who is pulling their strings? No one can be this stupid all on
> their own, it surely needs encouragement by the hidden master?
>
> Phil Innes
>
> >> So much for his interest is chess, or, actually, truth-telling.
> >>
> >> Phil Innes
> >>
> >> > Greetings,
> >> > Ralf
> >

To all chess newsgroups and readers:

Mr Innes is correct in his ascertions about Neil. I have NO idea what
his e-mail address is other than as it is posted on this newsgroup.
SHould he have gotten anything from me directly, it was because it was
an unidentified e-mail from another source and I can assure you I would
have NEVER directly, knowingly sent him anything other than a challenge
for a game.

He shrinks from playing faining that he would not lower himself. He
simply can get no lower even if he should lose. He has little
credibility so the only person to suffer would have been me. I have no
claims of great playing power but I do strive to learn from each
experience. It is a pity that Neil has no such inclination. I at least
have the knowledge of Socrates; I know I do not know everything! That
is something Neil cannot admit to himself nor to anyone else. Such a
pity for him that he chooses such self isolation. Such self hatred is a
waste of life.

I pity you Neil. Take the challenge .Use friends to assist and consult.
Use Fritz if you like. I care not. If I lose, I lose nothing because I
would learn from the journey. What do you learn from your self
isolation and cowardice?

Put up or shut up ... as they say down here in the South.
Rob

Date: 27 Jan 2006 04:26:58
From: The Historian
Subject: Re: Gauntlet is cast.. again!

Rob wrote:
> The Historian wrote:
> > Rob wrote:
> > > Chess One wrote:
> > > > "Ralf Callenberg" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> > > > news:[email protected]...
> > > > > The Historian wrote:
> > > > >
> > > > >>>
> > > > >>> Yes, you've mentioned that something like fourteen trillion times now.
> > > > >>> I think we all know your opinion on the matter.
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >> But it's not a matter of opinion. I think if Mr. Innes claims a title, he
> > > > >> should be able to substantiate his claim.
> > > > >
> > > > > Maybe, but repeating it over and over and over and over again is stupid
> > > > > and annoying.
> > > >
> > > > Mr. Brennan is into 'authorities' and wants stuff proved to him. This is
> > > > usually a 40 credit subject from his starting point. He thinkspeople /want/
> > > > to prove things to him - but I do not see this is true in practice, neither
> > > > do they say so themselves.
> > > >
> > > > He is not really interested in my playing level 30 years ago, why should he
> > > > be? At his request I once posted a game I played against "the man who beat
> > > > Frank shall", and Brennan declared it was not a master game.
> > > >
> > > > So much for his interest is chess, or, actually, truth-telling.
> > > >
> > > > Phil Innes
> > > >
> > > > > Greetings,
> > > > > Ralf
> > > I have offered an e-mail challenge to Neil as well on chessworld.net on
> > > many occassions and have gotten no reply.
> >
> > I've never gotten an email "challenge" and I've never been on the
> > website. So much for the truthfullness of the Innes sockpuppet.
> >
> > I suspect we are equally poor
> > > players and it would make for humerous analysis. The difference being I
> > > make no pretence to be anything other than I am, a great lover of the
> > > game. Such a pity the world will never know! :-)
> > >
> > > Rob
>
> The challenges were sent to spamscone @ yahoo . com( spaces were placed
> in so the full address would be displayed).

How nice - a dummy sending a message to a dummy email address.

> If you did not get them then there is either a proplem (sic) with your e-mail
> account or in your ability to be truthful.

Folks, Robtroll knows my real email address, since he was spamming it
last summer with announcements about the Shahcom Infomercial he and his
buddy Innes were producing. Needless to say, I've never received any
'challenge'. As Shakespeare might have described the Robtroll:

"Thou coward, art thou bragging to the stars,
Telling the bushes that thou look'st for wars,
And wilt not come?"

The challenge is made. Will
> you play or not?
> Rob

Why would I waste my time and hurt the reputation of a gentlemen's game
by lowering myself to play with you? I should no more play you than
Bill Brock should play Sam Sloan.

Date: 27 Jan 2006 13:32:00
From: Chess One
Subject: Re: Gauntlet is cast.. again!

"The Historian" <[email protected] > wrote in message
news:[email protected]...

> How nice - a dummy sending a message to a dummy email address.
>
>> If you did not get them then there is either a proplem (sic) with your
>> e-mail
>> account or in your ability to be truthful.
>
> Folks, Robtroll knows my real email address, since he was spamming it
> last summer with announcements about the Shahcom Infomercial he and his
> buddy Innes were producing. Needless to say, I've never received any
> 'challenge'. As Shakespeare might have described the Robtroll:

Rob continues to think that Brennan has the slighest interest in information
or truth-telling or in fact, in chess, or could conduct a conversation with
adults.

I have no idea why he has this STUPID opinion, except that I also made the
same assumption [lol].

Brennan does not retail lies - he wholesales them. The company named above
was not even mentioned in the tv program! The only way this guy can get
attention is to distort what others do. He is incapable of writing about
chess from his own wit. 5 years of public appearances adequately display
what's on offer.

As to the challenge to play a game, anyone who has written or spoken with
Rob knows that he is an honest man. I'll say no more.

>
> Why would I waste my time and hurt the reputation of a gentlemen's game
> by lowering myself to play with you? I should no more play you than
> Bill Brock should play Sam Sloan.

Brennan refers his reputation to such as friend Nick, the guy who wrote
30,000 words here about the problems of the Jewish State in these threads in
one month, but no chess.

Brennan both resents the idea of playing chess, and receiving information
about chess events. Instead he can think of plenty of reasons why no one
else should do so either.

Friend Kingston has retreated from this diatribe - at least Kingston only
regrets why certain grandmasters shouldn't publish chess books - a task
which should be left to other people who are good at spotting typos, real or
imagined.

Phil Innes.

Date: 26 Jan 2006 21:06:37
From: Rob
Subject: Re: Gauntlet is cast.. again!

The Historian wrote:
> Rob wrote:
> > Chess One wrote:
> > > "Ralf Callenberg" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> > > news:[email protected]...
> > > > The Historian wrote:
> > > >
> > > >>>
> > > >>> Yes, you've mentioned that something like fourteen trillion times now.
> > > >>> I think we all know your opinion on the matter.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >> But it's not a matter of opinion. I think if Mr. Innes claims a title, he
> > > >> should be able to substantiate his claim.
> > > >
> > > > Maybe, but repeating it over and over and over and over again is stupid
> > > > and annoying.
> > >
> > > Mr. Brennan is into 'authorities' and wants stuff proved to him. This is
> > > usually a 40 credit subject from his starting point. He thinkspeople /want/
> > > to prove things to him - but I do not see this is true in practice, neither
> > > do they say so themselves.
> > >
> > > He is not really interested in my playing level 30 years ago, why should he
> > > be? At his request I once posted a game I played against "the man who beat
> > > Frank shall", and Brennan declared it was not a master game.
> > >
> > > So much for his interest is chess, or, actually, truth-telling.
> > >
> > > Phil Innes
> > >
> > > > Greetings,
> > > > Ralf
> > I have offered an e-mail challenge to Neil as well on chessworld.net on
> > many occassions and have gotten no reply.
>
> I've never gotten an email "challenge" and I've never been on the
> website. So much for the truthfullness of the Innes sockpuppet.
>
> I suspect we are equally poor
> > players and it would make for humerous analysis. The difference being I
> > make no pretence to be anything other than I am, a great lover of the
> > game. Such a pity the world will never know! :-)
> >
> > Rob

The challenges were sent to spamscone @ yahoo . com( spaces were placed
in so the full address would be displayed)
If you did not get them then there is either a proplem with your e-mail
account or in your ability to be truthful. The challenge is made. Will
you play or not?
Rob

Date: 26 Jan 2006 13:32:50
From: The Historian
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

[email protected] wrote:
> Ralf Callenberg wrote (Wed, 25 Jan 2006 02:52:03 +0100):
> > repeating it over and over and over and over again
> > is stupid and annoying.
> _
> Neil Brennen wrote (Wed, 25 Jan 2006 11:44:20 GMT):
> > I fully understand you don't care about Innes' misrepresentation
> > of his chess ability. If it bothers you, please don't read my posts.
> _
> I wrote (25 Jan 2006 18:16:40 -0800):
> > As a compromise, how about waiting for occasions
> > when Phil Innes adopts the tone of a chess authority,
> > or occasions when he attacks the claims of others?
> > That sort of thing ...
>
> _
> Neil Brennen wrote (26 Jan 2006 00:59:04 -0800):
>
> > When doesn't he do this, Dr. Blair? Innes' pose as
> > an authority figure is the priy element of his
> > online persona.
>
> _
> I thought I noticed a window of time from Mon,
> 23 Jan 2006 23:46:04 GMT to Tue, 24 Jan 2006
> 14:28:36 GMT when we was not using the
> authority tone. Perhaps I am mistaken.

And perhaps you are correct. Would you like to undertake a study of
Innes posts? It may be the only way to determine at what times Innes is
posting ex cathedra and when he is posting Ex Lax.

But all this is moot, since Innes has now admitted he lied about his
chess rating.

Date: 26 Jan 2006 12:47:55
From:
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Ralf Callenberg wrote (Wed, 25 Jan 2006 02:52:03 +0100):
> repeating it over and over and over and over again
> is stupid and annoying.
_
Neil Brennen wrote (Wed, 25 Jan 2006 11:44:20 GMT):
> I fully understand you don't care about Innes' misrepresentation
> of his chess ability. If it bothers you, please don't read my posts.
_
I wrote (25 Jan 2006 18:16:40 -0800):
> As a compromise, how about waiting for occasions
> when Phil Innes adopts the tone of a chess authority,
> or occasions when he attacks the claims of others?
> That sort of thing ...

_
Neil Brennen wrote (26 Jan 2006 00:59:04 -0800):

> When doesn't he do this, Dr. Blair? Innes' pose as
> an authority figure is the priy element of his
> online persona.

_
I thought I noticed a window of time from Mon,
23 Jan 2006 23:46:04 GMT to Tue, 24 Jan 2006
14:28:36 GMT when we was not using the
authority tone. Perhaps I am mistaken.

Date: 26 Jan 2006 01:23:11
From: The Historian
Subject: Re: Gauntlet is cast.. again!

Rob wrote:
> Chess One wrote:
> > "Ralf Callenberg" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> > news:[email protected]...
> > > The Historian wrote:
> > >
> > >>>
> > >>> Yes, you've mentioned that something like fourteen trillion times now.
> > >>> I think we all know your opinion on the matter.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> But it's not a matter of opinion. I think if Mr. Innes claims a title, he
> > >> should be able to substantiate his claim.
> > >
> > > Maybe, but repeating it over and over and over and over again is stupid
> > > and annoying.
> >
> > Mr. Brennan is into 'authorities' and wants stuff proved to him. This is
> > usually a 40 credit subject from his starting point. He thinkspeople /want/
> > to prove things to him - but I do not see this is true in practice, neither
> > do they say so themselves.
> >
> > He is not really interested in my playing level 30 years ago, why should he
> > be? At his request I once posted a game I played against "the man who beat
> > Frank shall", and Brennan declared it was not a master game.
> >
> > So much for his interest is chess, or, actually, truth-telling.
> >
> > Phil Innes
> >
> > > Greetings,
> > > Ralf
> I have offered an e-mail challenge to Neil as well on chessworld.net on
> many occassions and have gotten no reply.

I've never gotten an email "challenge" and I've never been on the
website. So much for the truthfullness of the Innes sockpuppet.

I suspect we are equally poor
> players and it would make for humerous analysis. The difference being I
> make no pretence to be anything other than I am, a great lover of the
> game. Such a pity the world will never know! :-)
>
> Rob

Date: 26 Jan 2006 01:19:25
From: The Historian
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Chess One wrote:
> "Ralf Callenberg" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
> > The Historian wrote:
> >
> >>>
> >>> Yes, you've mentioned that something like fourteen trillion times now.
> >>> I think we all know your opinion on the matter.
> >>
> >>
> >> But it's not a matter of opinion. I think if Mr. Innes claims a title, he
> >> should be able to substantiate his claim.
> >
> > Maybe, but repeating it over and over and over and over again is stupid
> > and annoying.
>
> Mr. Brennan is into 'authorities' and wants stuff proved to him. This is
> usually a 40 credit subject from his starting point. He thinkspeople /want/
> to prove things to him - but I do not see this is true in practice, neither
> do they say so themselves.
>
> He is not really interested in my playing level 30 years ago, why should he
> be? At his request I once posted a game I played against "the man who beat
> Frank shall", and Brennan declared it was not a master game.

Notice the telling absence of a quotation, folks. Innes is lying again.
He's also failing to disclose this self-proclaimed "master game" was
played more than six decades after Innes' opponent played shall.
Friends of mine, an expert and a master, have beaten Bisguier; but they
don't pin their chess playing reputations to one game against an aging
great.

If there was any truth to Innes' "Nearly an IM 2450" title, Innes
wouldn't be shy about providing it.

> So much for his interest is chess, or, actually, truth-telling.
>
> Phil Innes
>
> > Greetings,
> > Ralf

Date: 26 Jan 2006 13:00:05
From: Chess One
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

"The Historian" <[email protected] > wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> Chess One wrote:
>> "Ralf Callenberg" <[email protected]> wrote in message
>> news:[email protected]...
>> > The Historian wrote:
>> >
>> >>>
>> >>> Yes, you've mentioned that something like fourteen trillion times
>> >>> now.
>> >>> I think we all know your opinion on the matter.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> But it's not a matter of opinion. I think if Mr. Innes claims a title,
>> >> he
>> >> should be able to substantiate his claim.
>> >
>> > Maybe, but repeating it over and over and over and over again is stupid
>> > and annoying.
>>
>> Mr. Brennan is into 'authorities' and wants stuff proved to him. This is
>> usually a 40 credit subject from his starting point. He thinkspeople
>> /want/
>> to prove things to him - but I do not see this is true in practice,
>> neither
>> do they say so themselves.
>>
>> He is not really interested in my playing level 30 years ago, why should
>> he
>> be? At his request I once posted a game I played against "the man who
>> beat
>> Frank shall", and Brennan declared it was not a master game.
>
> Notice the telling absence of a quotation, folks. Innes is lying again.

I am lying about:-

> He's also failing to disclose this self-proclaimed "master game" was
> played more than six decades after Innes' opponent played shall.

As you see - we do not have a towering genius of logic here.

> Friends of mine, an expert and a master, have beaten Bisguier; but they
> don't pin their chess playing reputations to one game against an aging
> great.

ROFL! Who ever said I did? Only Brennan is OBSESSED with mentioning it.

This lunatic cant play chess, cant talk about it either and has never
contributed to any thread without losing his cool after two goes.

> If there was any truth to Innes' "Nearly an IM 2450" title, Innes
> wouldn't be shy about providing it.

You shied away from me, boy. You have now convinced yourself that your own
claims for me are my own, so you even put them into inverted commas.

I always think about this nincompoop Brenman, that at least if he's lying
about me, he wont be lying about someone else - which is a public service,
and besides,

when he is here, some of those strange anons are not!

;)

Of course, this idiotic fatuous lying is not so bad as those who can do it
more cleverly, and do actual harm to reputations where it matters - like if
you wrote books, eg. Some of these scum-bags have been looking for dirt for
years. They obsessionally fix on a target, and can't seem to write about
anything else.

I wonder who is pulling their strings? No one can be this stupid all on
their own, it surely needs encouragement by the hidden master?

Phil Innes

>> So much for his interest is chess, or, actually, truth-telling.
>>
>> Phil Innes
>>
>> > Greetings,
>> > Ralf
>

Date: 26 Jan 2006 00:59:04
From: The Historian
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

[email protected] wrote:
> Ralf Callenberg wrote (Wed, 25 Jan 2006 02:52:03 +0100):
> > repeating it over and over and over and over again
> > is stupid and annoying.
>
> _
> Neil Brennen wrote (Wed, 25 Jan 2006 11:44:20 GMT):
>
> > I fully understand you don't care about Innes' misrepresentation
> > of his chess ability. If it bothers you, please don't read my posts.
>
> _
> As a compromise, how about waiting for occasions
> when Phil Innes adopts the tone of a chess authority,
> or occasions when he attacks the claims of others?
> That sort of thing ...

When doesn't he do this, Dr. Blair? Innes' pose as an authority figure
is the priy element of his online persona.

> _
> I hope it is apparent that I share some of Neil Brennen's
> concern about Phil Innes, but even I have some sympathy
> for the point of view of Ralf Callenberg.

Date: 25 Jan 2006 21:06:57
From: Rob
Subject: Gauntlet is cast.. again!

Chess One wrote:
> "Ralf Callenberg" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
> > The Historian wrote:
> >
> >>>
> >>> Yes, you've mentioned that something like fourteen trillion times now.
> >>> I think we all know your opinion on the matter.
> >>
> >>
> >> But it's not a matter of opinion. I think if Mr. Innes claims a title, he
> >> should be able to substantiate his claim.
> >
> > Maybe, but repeating it over and over and over and over again is stupid
> > and annoying.
>
> Mr. Brennan is into 'authorities' and wants stuff proved to him. This is
> usually a 40 credit subject from his starting point. He thinkspeople /want/
> to prove things to him - but I do not see this is true in practice, neither
> do they say so themselves.
>
> He is not really interested in my playing level 30 years ago, why should he
> be? At his request I once posted a game I played against "the man who beat
> Frank shall", and Brennan declared it was not a master game.
>
> So much for his interest is chess, or, actually, truth-telling.
>
> Phil Innes
>
> > Greetings,
> > Ralf
I have offered an e-mail challenge to Neil as well on chessworld.net on
many occassions and have gotten no reply. I suspect we are equally poor
players and it would make for humerous analysis. The difference being I
make no pretence to be anything other than I am, a great lover of the
game. Such a pity the world will never know! :-)

Rob

Date: 25 Jan 2006 18:16:40
From:
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Ralf Callenberg wrote (Wed, 25 Jan 2006 02:52:03 +0100):
> repeating it over and over and over and over again
> is stupid and annoying.

_
Neil Brennen wrote (Wed, 25 Jan 2006 11:44:20 GMT):

> I fully understand you don't care about Innes' misrepresentation
> of his chess ability. If it bothers you, please don't read my posts.

_
As a compromise, how about waiting for occasions
when Phil Innes adopts the tone of a chess authority,
or occasions when he attacks the claims of others?
That sort of thing ...
_
I hope it is apparent that I share some of Neil Brennen's
concern about Phil Innes, but even I have some sympathy
for the point of view of Ralf Callenberg.

Date: 25 Jan 2006 18:02:46
From:
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

This reminds me of a joke of my own. I admit in advance
that it is not really much of a joke, but here it is for what
it is worth:
_
How many chess players does it take to change a
light bulb?
_
Answer: Just one. All he has to do is stand on a pile
of his openings books.
_
(This joke is based on a true story.)

Date: 25 Jan 2006 13:53:16
From: Nick
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Jeremy Spinrad wrote:
> Deep inside of this war, there is a topic I am interested in.
> How much do you decline if you are a strong player

I did not consider myself a 'strong' player before my absence.
I had no chess trainer and hardly any chess books were available.
I did win almost all of my games against my available opponents,
who were lads of my age or up until a few years older.

Under the circumstances, it's hard to see how I could have
improved much more even if I had been motivated enough
and given my family's permission to continue playing.

> and really take off from the game for many years?

During my absence, I did not play any chess games (of any
kind, including blitz) or read any chess books or magazines.
Immediately after my return, I was slower in perceiving tactics.
(My tactical pattern recognition needed to be refreshed.)
My general understanding of positional concepts declined
the least on account of my inactivity.

> I have never been away long enough to test, but I am sure
> others have come back after very lengthy absences.

>From what I have heard, the return often can be initially painful.
The returning player may expect to make blunders that he or
she usually would not have made and thereby experience some
derision. As the returning player refreshes his or her skills,
however, he or she then may expect to defeat some of those
players who recently had enjoyed deriding him or her.
Depending on the circumstances, I would suggest that
the returning player consider introducing himself or herself
modestly as a beginner (or a re-beginner).

Fortunately for me, even after a long absence, I was still able to
defeat most of the experienced players in a local chess club.
I was irritated when some of my opponents insisted that I
must prove in our games that I knew how to mate with a
king and queen against a king.

--Nick

Date: 25 Jan 2006 10:53:45
From: LiamToo
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Harold Buck wrote:
> In article <[email protected]>,
> "LiamToo" <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> > 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all
> > headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
>
>
> Only 33?!
>
> --Harold Buck

33 and Louis Blair, hows that?

Date: 25 Jan 2006 09:48:54
From: LiamToo
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Leopold wrote:
> "David Ames" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
> >
> > J.L.W.S. The Special One wrote:
> >> Does anyone have any jokes about chess?
> >>
> Here's a chess riddle:
>
> How many GM's does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: 1,331

1 to change the light bulb and to post to RGCM that the light bulb has
been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/gram errors in posts about changing light
bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
156 to write to the RGCM administrator complaining about the light
bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this newsgroup.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/gram flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take
this exchange to rec.games.lite.bulb.
203 to demand that cross posting to rec.games.gram,
rec.games.spelling and rec.games.punctuation about changing light
bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting saying that we all use light bulbs and
therefore the posts **are** relevant to all newsgroup.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs, which makes light
bulbs relevant to this newsgroup.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all
headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to RGCM that they are unsubscribing because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversey.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new rec.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what RGCM was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for rec.games.lite.bulb."

Date: 25 Jan 2006 12:33:10
From: Harold Buck
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

In article <[email protected] >,
"LiamToo" <[email protected] > wrote:

> 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all
> headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

Only 33?!

--Harold Buck

"Hubris always wins in the end. The Greeks taught us that."

-Homer J. Simpson

Date: 25 Jan 2006 12:15:44
From: Major Cat
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Taylor Kingston wrote:
> Ah, I'd forgotten that one. The way I heard it was that the young son
> of a chess player was attending Sunday school at his church. The
> teacher announced that today they were going to have a visit from their
> bishop. The teacher asked "Can anyone tell me what a bishop does?"
> The boy eagerly replied "Moves diagonally!"

Just like Vatican diplomacy...

Date: 25 Jan 2006 07:22:16
From: Taylor Kingston
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

J.L.W.S. The Special One wrote:
> Once, as part of a school outing, we had to go to this church, and when
> the teacher asked "What do you know about the Bishop?", I replied, "He
> sits next to the Knight!" That's the sort of joke I'm looking for.

Ah, I'd forgotten that one. The way I heard it was that the young son
of a chess player was attending Sunday school at his church. The
teacher announced that today they were going to have a visit from their
bishop. The teacher asked "Can anyone tell me what a bishop does?"
The boy eagerly replied "Moves diagonally!"

Date: 25 Jan 2006 00:49:35
From: J.L.W.S. The Special One
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Once, as part of a school outing, we had to go to this church, and when
the teacher asked "What do you know about the Bishop?", I replied, "He
sits next to the Knight!" That's the sort of joke I'm looking for.
Thanks for the entertaintment, everyone!

Date: 25 Jan 2006 14:16:20
From: Chess One
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

"J.L.W.S. The Special One" <[email protected] > wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> Once, as part of a school outing, we had to go to this church, and when
> the teacher asked "What do you know about the Bishop?", I replied, "He
> sits next to the Knight!" That's the sort of joke I'm looking for.
> Thanks for the entertaintment, everyone!

A little Russian girl explained to me that the piece that is next to the
horsey is a manger - you can even see the place in the top where the hay is
put so the horsie can eat it without bending over. That was from Anna, aged
8. Phil

Date: 24 Jan 2006 17:56:43
From: The Historian
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Ralf Callenberg wrote:
> The Historian wrote:
>
> >>
> >> Yes, you've mentioned that something like fourteen trillion times now.
> >> I think we all know your opinion on the matter.
> >
> >
> > But it's not a matter of opinion. I think if Mr. Innes claims a title,
> > he should be able to substantiate his claim.
>
> Maybe, but repeating it over and over and over and over again is stupid
> and annoying.

All Innes needs to do is provide evidence.

Date: 25 Jan 2006 10:11:09
From: Ralf Callenberg
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

The Historian wrote:
>
>>Maybe, but repeating it over and over and over and over again is stupid
>>and annoying.
>
>
> All Innes needs to do is provide evidence.
>

You still don't get the point: I am sure I am not the only one, but
actually I absolutely don't care about any "evidence", but got annoyed
by this endless repetition and pondering on this.

Greetings,
Ralf

Date: 25 Jan 2006 11:44:20
From: The Historian
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Ralf Callenberg wrote:
> The Historian wrote:
>>
>>> Maybe, but repeating it over and over and over and over again is stupid
>>> and annoying.
>>
>>
>> All Innes needs to do is provide evidence.
>>
>
> You still don't get the point: I am sure I am not the only one, but
> actually I absolutely don't care about any "evidence",

I fully understand you don't care about Innes' misrepresentation of his
chess ability. If it bothers you, please don't read my posts. I am going
to save myself the trouble of reading yours in the future.

but got annoyed
> by this endless repetition and pondering on this.
>
> Greetings,
> Ralf

Date: 24 Jan 2006 17:32:33
From: The Historian
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Chess One wrote:
> "The Historian" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
> >
> > LiamToo wrote:
> >>
> >> LOL! But, that's not a chess joke though, it's an ongoing war between
> >> you and Taylor.
> >
> > The subject of chess jokes brings to mind the "almost an IM 2450" title
> > that Innes claimed.
>
> Why? I simply said that 30 years ago I played at that level.

You must be saving the proof of this for your autobiography, "A Million
Little Chess Pieces".

> A real joke is that this 1300 player thinks he can decide what a master game
> is by looking at a game-score. ROFL!!

Please provide an example of a 1300 player reaching such a
determination about a "master game".

Date: 24 Jan 2006 16:54:21
From: Taylor Kingston
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Peter Billam wrote:
> A real sign of quality is when a chess-player puts the cigarette out
> in the coffee, drinks the ash-tray, and doesn't even notice ...

Reportedly, in the 1936 US Championship, Alexander Kevitz took a
white pawn (intstead of a sugar cube) and stirred it into his coffee.
(see http://www.chesscafe.com/text/review248.pdf)

Date: 24 Jan 2006 13:50:46
From: LiamToo
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

How about some definitions of chess terms. I must warn you though that
some are not understandable to chessplayers outside the USA, so just
pick the ones that you like and go from there. Here we go:

Alekhine: type of battery for digital chess clock
Algebraic Notation: a way of recording games for those who can't
describe them.
Attack: a short, sharp-pointed nail.
Bad Bishop: another Catholic caught in a sex scandal.
Baroque Chess Set: unrepaired chess set.
Bird's Opening: a small hole in the side of a coop.
Bishop Pair: strange bed fellows.
Bishops Of Opposite Colors: a very strange couple.
Board: What chess wives are at chess tournaments with their husbands.
Bust: bad opening when playing a well-endowed female.
Center Counter: small table in the middle of a room.
Check: what chess players hate to hear at a tournament or restaurant.
Colle: opening for dog lovers.
Correspondence Chess: the check really is in the mail.
Danish Gambit: opening for pastry lovers.
Discovered Check: one that fell behind a desk long time ago.
Fool's Mate: A chessplayer's spouse.
French Defense: a Maginot line.
Fried Liver Attack: a form of indigestion.
Greco Gambit: opening for wrestlers.
Illegal: a sick bird.
Knight Ending: dawn.
oczy: A chess master who always got in a bind.
oczy Bind: an unusual form of constipation.
Mate: spouse.
Minority Attack: a civil rights revolt.
Sam Loyd: An endgame composer always causing problems.
Self-Help Mate: a bigamist.
Siesta Variation: taking a nap before noon.
Stalemate: a spouse who keeps repeating the same old jokes.
Woodpusher: lobbyist for the timber industry.
Fianchetto: Pinnochio's last name.
Rice Gambit: Gary Hart's favorite opening.
Zugzwang: German for "constipated." The term is used when it hurts to
move.

Date: 24 Jan 2006 13:17:46
From: Taylor Kingston
Subject: Mondegreens (was: Chess Jokes)

Larry Tapper wrote:
> Aha, I didn't know there was a word for those.

Yes, mondegreen. As I understand it, it comes from a song that goes
something like "They've killed the Earl of Mornay / And laid him on the
green." Someone heard this as "They've killed the Earl of Mornay / And
Lady Mondegreen." Thus any misunderstood song lyric came to be called a
mondegreen.

> My barber in Cambridge
> used to collect them.

A big collection was published a few years ago, titled "'Scuse Me
While I Kiss this Guy," a mondegreen of Hendrix's "'Scuse me while I
kiss the sky." Some are quite bizarre. For example, "Despite all my
rage I am still just a rat in a cage" (Smashing Pumpkins) has been
interpreted as "The spider ines, Siam's steel-chested rabbit
arcade."

> One I remember is "the girl with colitis goes by", from Lucy in the Sky
> with Diamonds.

That's in the book, along with hundreds of others. I recall many from
my youth, though, that are not included. Upon first hearing "I Like It
Like That" I was sure the chorus went "Come on, lemme show you where I
sat." Another involved a line from the Stones' "Satisfaction": "But he
can't be a man / 'Cause he doesn't smoke / The same cigarets as me." A
high-school friend of mine was sure this was "He can't be a man /
'Cause of sudden smoke / The saints take arrest of me."
Then of course there's the big mid-1960s controversy about supposed
dirty lyrics in "Louie Louie." Sort of a mass hallucination mondegreen.

Date: 24 Jan 2006 12:52:26
From: Larry Tapper
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Aha, I didn't know there was a word for those. My barber in Cambridge
used to collect them.

One I remember is "the girl with colitis goes by", from Lucy in the Sky
with Diamonds.

LT

Date: 24 Jan 2006 08:30:03
From: neoliminal
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

<i >Thanks everyone! I like the one about the chess addicts! As I said,
I
wanted to put the chess jokes into a short chess movie, so I'd like
situations. Perhaps I'll put in a scene where a waiter says "Check?" to
a chess master. </i >

The master should reply 'Very good. Now in how many moves is mate?"

Date: 24 Jan 2006 06:52:08
From: Taylor Kingston
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Richard wrote:
> LiamToo wrote:
> > A Chess Addict . . .
> ... thinks the band Prodigy did a song called "Smack my Bishop". (I
> wonder how many of you will get the reference)

A classic example of a mondegreen. Others have heard "smack my bitch
up" as "snap my picture." Another Prodigy mondegreen (without any chess
significance): "I'm the farmer's daughter, distant farmer's daughter"
for "I'm the fire-starter, twisted fire-starter."
Perhaps someone with a copy of "'Scuse Me While I Kiss this Guy" can
see if it contains any chess-related mondegreens.

Date: 24 Jan 2006 06:46:05
From: LiamToo
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Antonio Torrecillas wrote:
> En/na LiamToo ha escrit:
>
> > A Chess Addict . . .
> >
> > (...)
>
> It seems to me you are describing a normal chess player as most of us!!
> :-)
>
> AT

At least you said that with a smile. Thanks anyway.

Date: 24 Jan 2006 22:41:03
From: Antonio Torrecillas
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

En/na LiamToo ha escrit:
> Antonio Torrecillas wrote:
>>En/na LiamToo ha escrit:
>>>A Chess Addict . . .
>>>(...)
>>
>>It seems to me you are describing a normal chess player as most of us!!
>>:-)
>>
>>AT
>
> At least you said that with a smile. Thanks anyway.

Let's see:

Keeps a chess book in the bathroom.

Walks directly to the games/chess section in any bookstore.

Owns more books about chess than any other subject.

Pays more attention to a chess board position in a movie than the
action.

Visibly upset each time when noticing a white square is not in the
right hand corner of the board.

...

Anyone did not see himself here?
;-)

AT

Date: 25 Jan 2006 10:56:12
From: Peter Billam
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

In article <[email protected] >, Antonio Torrecillas wrote:
>
> Let's see:
> Keeps a chess book in the bathroom.
> Walks directly to the games/chess section in any bookstore.
> Owns more books about chess than any other subject.
> Pays more attention to a chess board position in a movie than the
> action.
> Visibly upset each time when noticing a white square is not in the
> right hand corner of the board.
> ...
> Anyone did not see himself here?

A real sign of quality is when a chess-player puts the cigarette out
in the coffee, drinks the ash-tray, and doesn't even notice ...

Regards, Peter

--

TAS/DPIWE/CIT/Servers hbt/lnd/l8 6233 3061 http://www.pjb.com.au
And how sweet a story it is, when you hear Charley Parker tell it
- Kerouac, Mexico City Blues

Date: 24 Jan 2006 06:44:19
From: LiamToo
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

J.L.W.S. The Special One wrote:
> Thanks everyone! I like the one about the chess addicts! As I said, I
> wanted to put the chess jokes into a short chess movie, so I'd like
> situations. Perhaps I'll put in a scene where a waiter says "Check?" to
> a chess master.

Thanks, finally from someone with a good sense of humor. Most
chessplayers don't have this attribute.

Date: 24 Jan 2006 04:52:59
From: The Historian
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Say No To g4 wrote:
> Does Sam Sloan qualify as a chess joke?

Probably. But so does an A player from Vermont claiming to be an
"almost an IM 2450" player.

Date: 24 Jan 2006 14:25:43
From: David Richerby
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

The Historian <[email protected] > wrote:
> Say No To g4 wrote:
>> Does Sam Sloan qualify as a chess joke?
>
> Probably. But so does an A player from Vermont claiming to be an
> "almost an IM 2450" player.

Yes, you've mentioned that something like fourteen trillion times now.
I think we all know your opinion on the matter.

Dave.

--
David Richerby Zen Cat (TM): it's like a cuddly
www.chiark.greenend.org.uk/~davidr/ pet that puts you in touch with the
universe!

Date: 25 Jan 2006 01:13:47
From: The Historian
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

David Richerby wrote:
> The Historian <[email protected]> wrote:
>> Say No To g4 wrote:
>>> Does Sam Sloan qualify as a chess joke?
>> Probably. But so does an A player from Vermont claiming to be an
>> "almost an IM 2450" player.
>
> Yes, you've mentioned that something like fourteen trillion times now.
> I think we all know your opinion on the matter.

But it's not a matter of opinion. I think if Mr. Innes claims a title,
he should be able to substantiate his claim.

Date: 25 Jan 2006 02:52:03
From: Ralf Callenberg
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

The Historian wrote:

>>
>> Yes, you've mentioned that something like fourteen trillion times now.
>> I think we all know your opinion on the matter.
>
>
> But it's not a matter of opinion. I think if Mr. Innes claims a title,
> he should be able to substantiate his claim.

Maybe, but repeating it over and over and over and over again is stupid
and annoying.

Greetings,
Ralf

Date: 25 Jan 2006 13:53:15
From: Chess One
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

"Ralf Callenberg" <[email protected] > wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> The Historian wrote:
>
>>>
>>> Yes, you've mentioned that something like fourteen trillion times now.
>>> I think we all know your opinion on the matter.
>>
>>
>> But it's not a matter of opinion. I think if Mr. Innes claims a title, he
>> should be able to substantiate his claim.
>
> Maybe, but repeating it over and over and over and over again is stupid
> and annoying.

Mr. Brennan is into 'authorities' and wants stuff proved to him. This is
usually a 40 credit subject from his starting point. He thinkspeople /want/
to prove things to him - but I do not see this is true in practice, neither
do they say so themselves.

He is not really interested in my playing level 30 years ago, why should he
be? At his request I once posted a game I played against "the man who beat
Frank shall", and Brennan declared it was not a master game.

So much for his interest is chess, or, actually, truth-telling.

Phil Innes

> Greetings,
> Ralf

Date: 24 Jan 2006 14:21:07
From:
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

David Richerby <[email protected] > writes:

> The Historian <[email protected]> wrote:
> > Say No To g4 wrote:
> >> Does Sam Sloan qualify as a chess joke?
> >
> > Probably. But so does an A player from Vermont claiming to be an
> > "almost an IM 2450" player.
>
> Yes, you've mentioned that something like fourteen trillion times now.
> I think we all know your opinion on the matter.

I agree with Mr Richerby here.

Despite intensive use of killfiles, I have heard more than
I care to about both Phil and Taylor's ratings and/or chess
ability.

Now I, personally, am the world's foremost expert on the
chess strength of both of these gentlemen, based on the
fact that I've never seen any of their games, and my own
evident chess ability (rating of 137.03599911, though in
the new rating list it will increase to 137.0359991146, I think).

So I know how strong they actually are, but I'm not telling.
I have my match with Zukertort to prepare for. Curse him and
his 1Nf3!

--
William Hyde
EOS Department
Duke University

Date: 24 Jan 2006 03:28:18
From: J.L.W.S. The Special One
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Thanks everyone! I like the one about the chess addicts! As I said, I
wanted to put the chess jokes into a short chess movie, so I'd like
situations. Perhaps I'll put in a scene where a waiter says "Check?" to
a chess master.

Date: 23 Jan 2006 20:24:18
From: Rob
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

The Historian is so dumb he thinks "passing pawns" is f form of chessic
flatulence

Date: 23 Jan 2006 17:54:14
From: The Historian
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

LiamToo wrote:
>
> LOL! But, that's not a chess joke though, it's an ongoing war between
> you and Taylor.

The subject of chess jokes brings to mind the "almost an IM 2450" title
that Innes claimed.

Date: 24 Jan 2006 14:28:37
From: Chess One
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

"The Historian" <[email protected] > wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> LiamToo wrote:
>>
>> LOL! But, that's not a chess joke though, it's an ongoing war between
>> you and Taylor.
>
> The subject of chess jokes brings to mind the "almost an IM 2450" title
> that Innes claimed.

Why? I simply said that 30 years ago I played at that level.

A real joke is that this 1300 player thinks he can decide what a master game
is by looking at a game-score. ROFL!!

Its true I am not so strong at the moment, and my recent games against
titled players have gone v GM lost, v IM won, v 2350 draw. But against the
master we played without a board.

Phil Innes

Date: 24 Jan 2006 15:20:45
From: David Richerby
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Chess One <[email protected] > wrote:
> The Historian <[email protected]> wrote in message
>> The subject of chess jokes brings to mind the "almost an IM 2450" title
>> that Innes claimed.
>
> Why? I simply said that 30 years ago I played at that level.

You really don't need to keep responding to this drivel, you know...
If either one of you would just drop the fucking subject, the
signal/noise ratio round here would increase appreciably.

Dave.

--
David Richerby Metal Apple (TM): it's like a tasty
www.chiark.greenend.org.uk/~davidr/ fruit that's made of steel!

Date: 25 Jan 2006 01:12:07
From: The Historian
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

David Richerby wrote:
> Chess One <[email protected]> wrote:
>> The Historian <[email protected]> wrote in message
>>> The subject of chess jokes brings to mind the "almost an IM 2450" title
>>> that Innes claimed.
>> Why? I simply said that 30 years ago I played at that level.
>
> You really don't need to keep responding to this drivel, you know...
> If either one of you would just drop the fucking subject, the
> signal/noise ratio round here would increase appreciably.

All Nearly An IM 2450 Innes needs to do is present any evidence to
support his claim.

Date: 25 Jan 2006 03:50:27
From: Jeremy Spinrad
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

In article <[email protected] >, The Historian <[email protected]> writes:

Date: 25 Jan 2006 11:44:18
From:
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

[email protected] (Jeremy Spinrad) writes:

>
> Deep inside of this war, there is a topic I am interested in. How much do you
> decline if you are a strong player and really take off from the game for many
> years? I have never been away long enough to test, but I am sure others have come
> back after very lengthy absences.

I played no chess (other than speed games) from 1973-79, and
from 1981-88. In each case I was 200-300 points stronger when
I returned to the game. On the other hand I was not exactly
a strong player before either layoff, being rated 16xx in
73, and about 1950 in 1981.

It's been a number of years since my last rated event, at
tournament time controls, but I suspect that the pattern would
not repeat.

--
William Hyde
EOS Department
Duke University

Date: 24 Jan 2006 15:48:52
From: Chess One
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

I take your point. Unless he wants to play me for $10,000 - and I'll even
play left handed!

Talking of jokes, I offered a 12 year-old that one about playing
left-handed, but he looked sly, then said:

'Wait a minute! Are you right or left-handed?" :))

Phil

"David Richerby" <[email protected] > wrote in message
news:zzn*[email protected]...
> Chess One <[email protected]> wrote:
>> The Historian <[email protected]> wrote in message
>>> The subject of chess jokes brings to mind the "almost an IM 2450" title
>>> that Innes claimed.
>>
>> Why? I simply said that 30 years ago I played at that level.
>
> You really don't need to keep responding to this drivel, you know...
> If either one of you would just drop the fucking subject, the
> signal/noise ratio round here would increase appreciably.
>
>
> Dave.
>
> --
> David Richerby Metal Apple (TM): it's like a
> tasty
> www.chiark.greenend.org.uk/~davidr/ fruit that's made of steel!

Date: 23 Jan 2006 15:12:27
From: LiamToo
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Date: 23 Jan 2006 15:09:34
From: Taylor Kingston
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Chess One wrote:
> "LiamToo" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
> > Taylor Kingston wrote:
> >> I thought the things we post in this thread are supposed to be jokes.
> >
> > To me, chess humor is considered chess joke.
>
> Taylor Kingston goes up to Larry Evans' door and yells
>
> Knock Knock!
>
> Larry Evans yells back
>
> Who's there?
>
> Taylor replies:
>
> Erm...

Puts me in mind of the scene in "Catch Me If You Can" where Tom
Hanks' co-workers insist he tell them a joke. Adapting it to the
current situation, the exchange would go something like:

TK: "So, you want I should tell a joke?"
PI: "Yeah."
TK: "OK. Knock, knock."
PI: "Who's there?"
TK: (says what Tom said in the movie)

Date: 23 Jan 2006 23:46:03
From: Chess One
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

"Taylor Kingston" <[email protected] > wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> Chess One wrote:
>> "LiamToo" <[email protected]> wrote in message
>> news:[email protected]...
>> > Taylor Kingston wrote:
>> >> I thought the things we post in this thread are supposed to be jokes.
>> >
>> > To me, chess humor is considered chess joke.
>>
>> Taylor Kingston goes up to Larry Evans' door and yells
>>
>> Knock Knock!
>>
>> Larry Evans yells back
>>
>> Who's there?
>>
>> Taylor replies:
>>
>> Erm...
>
> Puts me in mind of the scene in "Catch Me If You Can" where Tom
> Hanks' co-workers insist he tell them a joke. Adapting it to the
> current situation, the exchange would go something like:
>
> TK: "So, you want I should tell a joke?"
> PI: "Yeah."
> TK: "OK. Knock, knock."
> PI: "Who's there?"
> TK: (says what Tom said in the movie)

Don't tell me Taylor, explain it to Louis.

Phil

Date: 23 Jan 2006 14:15:42
From: LiamToo
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Taylor Kingston wrote:
> I thought the things we post in this thread are supposed to be jokes.

To me, chess humor is considered chess joke.

Date: 23 Jan 2006 22:52:35
From: Chess One
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

"LiamToo" <[email protected] > wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> Taylor Kingston wrote:
>> I thought the things we post in this thread are supposed to be jokes.
>
> To me, chess humor is considered chess joke.

Taylor Kingston goes up to Larry Evans' door and yells

Knock Knock!

Larry Evans yells back

Who's there?

Taylor replies:

Erm...

Phil

Date: 23 Jan 2006 14:04:50
From: Taylor Kingston
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

I thought the things we post in this thread are supposed to be jokes.

DDEckerslyke wrote:
> The North Pole are playing The South Pole in a correspondence game that has
> reached a critical stage.
>
> <At this point the joke can go on as long as you like with various
> streamofconsciousness ramblings in the manner of Billy Connolly/Eddie
> Izzard/ Ronnie Corbett>
>
> SPOILER SPACE
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> imagine something funny
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> imagine something else funny
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> nearly there
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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>
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>
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>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Finally. As the players rushed in the captain ripped open the envelope and
> pulled out the message.
> "What's it say?"
> "What's it say?"
> The captain unfolded the scrap of paper and on it was written...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> wait for it
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "J'adoube"
>
> :-)

Date: 24 Jan 2006 18:45:47
From: DDEckerslyke
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

"Taylor Kingston" <[email protected] > wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> I thought the things we post in this thread are supposed to be jokes.
>
Quite right. My posts suck. Killfile my sorry ass.

Love and Kisses

dd

Date: 23 Jan 2006 13:35:04
From: LiamToo
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

You know you've had too much of the correspondence chess in the 1990's
when:

Much of your time "studying chess" is spent downloading games to your
data base.

You have more games in your data base than you have minutes remaining
of life expectancy.

You know the ECO classification codes of your openings repertoire.

You have more "Winning with..." books than wins.

You can't remember where you keep your real chess pieces.

You spend more time with a chess engine than you do with all human
chess players combined.

You no longer study certain endings because you have a CD that plays
them perfectly.

You are completely familiar with all the functions of Chess Base 7.0.

You're taking advice from Fritz and your opponent's moves uncannily
match the program's recommendations.

--http://www.correspondencechess.com/campbell/list_90s.htm

Date: 23 Jan 2006 13:32:53
From: Richard
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

LiamToo wrote:
> A Chess Addict . . .
>

... sees the world in black and white.

... thinks the magazine title "Chess Life" is redundant.

... thinks the band Prodigy did a song called "Smack my Bishop". (I
wonder how many of you will get the reference)

--Richard

Date: 23 Jan 2006 11:30:37
From: Taylor Kingston
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Jeremy Spinrad wrote:
> It would have been even better if Nimzovich's choice of weapons came to a chess
> game. Speaking of muscled masters, I wondered about this quote from Napier's Paul
> Morphy and the Golden Age of Chess, page 39
>
> I had asked him what he thought was the true appraisal of von Bardeleben.
> Teichmann went on "When and if he once got his hands on the trapeze, he could
> undoubtedly chin himself as many times as any man living."

Could Teichmann have been speaking metaphorically rather than
literally? Perhaps he meant something like "Once vB gets his kind of
position, he is invincible -- the problem is getting such a position in
the first place." Just a thought; I don't know the context of
Teichmann's rek.

> Was Bardeleben really such a strongman? It seems a bit at odds with his frequent
> withdrawals from tournaments, but there is no real contradiction I suppose.
> Does anyone know a picture which would show clearly that he was/was not
> particularly physically fit?
>
> Jerry Spinrad
>
> In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] writes:
>

Date: 23 Jan 2006 19:08:32
From: Ray Gordon
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

The US championship.

Date: 23 Jan 2006 10:16:28
From:
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

J.L.W.S. The Special One wrote:
> Does anyone have any jokes about chess?

This one is not so much a joke as an anecdote, quite possibly
apocryphal, but quite amusing.
The great Aron Nimzovich was noted for his eccentricities and pet
dislikes. One person he especially disliked was a lesser German master
named Walter John (I've recently learned that John may have had
pro-Nazi leanings; that may explain the dislike).
One day when he was scheduled to play John in a tournament, Nimzovich
devised a clever way to insult him. He arrived 59 minutes late (one
minute before forfeiture). Playing his moves quickly, Nimzovich spent
little time at the board, instead wandering about the hall admiring its
paintings, as if to say beating John was child's play.
John was furious. These being the days when the code of chivalry
still obtained, John sent a pair of seconds to see Nimzovich. "You have
insulted Master John," they declared. "He demands satisfaction! He
challenges you to a duel!"
Nimzovich thought for a moment. "You may tell Master John that I
accept. A question: as the one challenged I have the choice of weapons,
do I not?"
"Yes, that is so."
Nimzovich smiled and rolled up his shirtsleeves, revealing biceps of
proportions well beyond those required for pawn-pushing, and
considerably in excess of those possessed by John. "Tell Master John I
choose fists."
Reportedly the challenge was quickly withdrawn.

Date: 23 Jan 2006 18:54:57
From: Jeremy Spinrad
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

It would have been even better if Nimzovich's choice of weapons came to a chess
game. Speaking of muscled masters, I wondered about this quote from Napier's Paul
Morphy and the Golden Age of Chess, page 39

I had asked him what he thought was the true appraisal of von Bardeleben.
Teichmann went on "When and if he once got his hands on the trapeze, he could
undoubtedly chin himself as many times as any man living."

Was Bardeleben really such a strongman? It seems a bit at odds with his frequent
withdrawals from tournaments, but there is no real contradiction I suppose.
Does anyone know a picture which would show clearly that he was/was not
particularly physically fit?

Jerry Spinrad

In article <[email protected] >, [email protected] writes:

Date: 23 Jan 2006 08:53:39
From: LiamToo
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

A Chess Addict . . .

Looks at a newspaper's chess column before any other section.

Mumbles "J'adoube" when bumping into things.

Keeps a chess book and chess set in the bathroom.

Asks new acquaintances if they know how to play chess.

Asks all chess players, "What's your rating?"

Walks directly to the games/chess section in any bookstore.

Owns more books about chess than any other subject.

Owns more chess clocks than watches.

Keeps a board and pieces at the office or in a backpack.

Multiples 8x8 faster than 7x7.

Names first child Bobby or Judit and decorates nursery in black and
white squares "just in case."

Panics for an instant when a waiter says, "Check?"

Pays more attention to a chess board position in a movie than the
action.

Visibly upset each time when noticing a white square is not in the
right hand corner of the board.

Moments to be Worried at a Chess Tournament:

There has been a change in the pawn structure. Your opponent has eight
and you don't have any.

The tournament director tells you not to bother turning in your score
sheet after the game.

Before the game begins you notice your opponent's 1st two initials are
'GM.'

Just as you finish making your opening moves your opponent announces
mate in 11.

After completing your opening development you sense your opponent
playing the endgame.

You don't control any squares at all.

Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into
uncontrollable laughter.

Date: 24 Jan 2006 01:42:03
From: Antonio Torrecillas
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

En/na LiamToo ha escrit:

> A Chess Addict . . .
>
> (...)

It seems to me you are describing a normal chess player as most of us!!
:-)

AT

Date: 23 Jan 2006 07:12:47
From:
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Chess players check their Mates

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

The Bishop polishes his King before putting the Queen in a mating
position

Date: 23 Jan 2006 09:15:54
From: Amarande
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

J.L.W.S. The Special One wrote:
> Does anyone have any jokes about chess?

Well, there's a few cases in analysis in which one can find some
relatively off-color double entendres if one looks carefully ...

Like just about anything referring to "horizontal action."

Or, the classic ... "In this position, further penetration is difficult."

:)

Date: 23 Jan 2006 06:07:42
From: Jerzy
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

> >>Does anyone have any jokes about chess?
>
> A man has a walk in a park, when he sees an old man playing chess with
> his dog. He comes nearer and reks: "This is amazing! You have got a
> very intelligent dog there!" Replies the old man "Nah, he alway loses."
>

I know a different ending : Not so intelligent : he won only one game
out of three played.

Date: 22 Jan 2006 23:46:37
From: J.L.W.S. The Special One
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Thanks for the jokes! I was thinking about something I could use in a
short movie about chess.

Date: 23 Jan 2006 17:11:49
From: michael adams
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

David Ames wrote:
>
> Jerzy wrote:
> >
> > Why is chess so dangerous ?
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > Because when you fall asleep during a game your eye can be hit by a bishop.
>
> Florida is extremely dangerous. Often people who go there never come
> back.
>
> David Ames

Bournemouth is 'classic'. The 'alis' & 'crocs' snap their jaws..

Micky..

Date: 22 Jan 2006 20:35:54
From: Richard
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Major Cat wrote:
> J.L.W.S. The Special One wrote:
> >
> > Does anyone have any jokes about chess?
> >
> > I once had dinner with Kasparov. However, we used a checkered
> > tablecloth, so it took him hours to finish his dinner.
>
> You may get something interesting going at "rec.games.chess.misc" !
> In case you have not noticed, the "analysis" newsgroup is a magnet
> for "serious" types, for the most part... 8>)
>
> Regards,
>
> Major Cat

A chess tournament was held in a hotel. Between games, a group of chess
players were in the hotel lobby talking about their great victories.
One hotel employee says to another, "Just what we need: Chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer!"

--Richard

Date: 22 Jan 2006 16:01:27
From: David Ames
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Jerzy wrote:
>
> Why is chess so dangerous ?
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> Because when you fall asleep during a game your eye can be hit by a bishop.

Florida is extremely dangerous. Often people who go there never come
back.

David Ames

Date: 23 Jan 2006 20:56:29
From: Say No To g4
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Does Sam Sloan qualify as a chess joke?

Date: 22 Jan 2006 14:53:09
From: Pizzi
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

This joke is a my variation of an old one:

A guy, a fervent chessplayer, by a spiritual sitting, enters in touch
with a late friend.

The friend tell him the heaven is awesome, and that over there they
play chess too, but he is sad to say he has bad news for him: next week
is paired against Capablanca with black pieces.

The guy reply: damn! black pieces.

Pizzi.

Date: 22 Jan 2006 13:34:46
From:
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Jerzy wrote:
> >> J.L.W.S. The Special One wrote:
> >>> Does anyone have any jokes about chess?

One I read years ago in Chess Review comes to mind. Supposedly it's
true; I don't know. Anyway, supposedly world champion Alekhine, and
Bogolyubov, the man he twice defeated in world title matches, were both
attending a banquet. Alekhine was called on to make a speech. He rose
and spoke:

Last night I dreamed that I died, and went to heaven. At the Pearly
Gates I was met by St. Peter, who asked my name. "I am Alekhine," I
replied. St. Peter looked back in seeming uncomprehension. "I am
Alekhine, chess champion of the world!" St. Peter shook his head.
"I'm sorry, we do not admit chess players to heaven," he said.
Disappointed, I asked if at least I could have a look around before
leaving. St. Peter agreed. Soon, whom should I see but my rotund crony,
Bogolyubov. I rushed back to St. Peter. "What do mean, no chess players
in heaven? Look! There is Bogolyubov! He is a chess player."
St. Peter gently smiled and shook his head. Giving me a
conspiratorial wink, he leaned close and whispered, "He only _thinks_
he's a chess player."

Date: 22 Jan 2006 22:09:42
From: Chess One
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

<[email protected] > wrote in message
news:[email protected]...

>
> Last night I dreamed that I died, and went to heaven. At the Pearly
> Gates I was met by St. Peter, who asked my name. "I am Alekhine," I
> replied. St. Peter looked back in seeming uncomprehension. "I am
> Alekhine, chess champion of the world!" St. Peter shook his head.
> "I'm sorry, we do not admit chess players to heaven," he said.
> Disappointed, I asked if at least I could have a look around before
> leaving. St. Peter agreed. Soon, whom should I see but my rotund crony,
> Bogolyubov. I rushed back to St. Peter. "What do mean, no chess players
> in heaven? Look! There is Bogolyubov! He is a chess player."
> St. Peter gently smiled and shook his head. Giving me a
> conspiratorial wink, he leaned close and whispered, "He only _thinks_
> he's a chess player."

That's a lousy joke, but at least its better than mine. I suppose, in the
end, the choke was on Alekhine, though.

Phil

Date: 22 Jan 2006 05:46:32
From: David Ames
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

J.L.W.S. The Special One wrote:
> Does anyone have any jokes about chess?
>
> I once had dinner with Kasparov. However, we used a checkered
> tablecloth, so it took him hours to finish his dinner.

A gunman accidentally entered an incoorect door, and when he pointed
his weapon and said, "All right, dob't nobody move," he discovered he
was in a chess club.

David Ames

Date: 25 Jan 2006 08:11:01
From: Leopold
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

"David Ames" <[email protected] > wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> J.L.W.S. The Special One wrote:
>> Does anyone have any jokes about chess?
>>
Here's a chess riddle:

How many GM's does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: 10. One to change the bulb and another 9 to stand around and talk
about how much better they could of done it.

Date: 25 Jan 2006 12:13:14
From: Major Cat
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

Leopold wrote:
> Here's a chess riddle:
>
> How many GM's does it take to change a light bulb?
>
> Answer: 10. One to change the bulb and another 9 to stand around and talk
> about how much better they could of done it.

What do you expect from a crowd that is into...brilliancies? 8 >)

Date: 23 Jan 2006 21:06:52
From: DDEckerslyke
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

The North Pole are playing The South Pole in a correspondence game that has
reached a critical stage.

<At this point the joke can go on as long as you like with various
streamofconsciousness ramblings in the manner of Billy Connolly/Eddie
Izzard/ Ronnie Corbett >

SPOILER SPACE

imagine something funny

imagine something else funny

nearly there

Finally. As the players rushed in the captain ripped open the envelope and
pulled out the message.
"What's it say?"
"What's it say?"
The captain unfolded the scrap of paper and on it was written...

wait for it

"J'adoube"

:-)

Date: 23 Jan 2006 09:33:28
From: Ralf Callenberg
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

David Ames wrote:
> J.L.W.S. The Special One wrote:
>
>>Does anyone have any jokes about chess?

A man has a walk in a park, when he sees an old man playing chess with
his dog. He comes nearer and reks: "This is amazing! You have got a
very intelligent dog there!" Replies the old man "Nah, he alway loses."

Greetings,
Ralf

Date: 22 Jan 2006 13:49:05
From: Chess One
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

"David Ames" <[email protected] > wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> J.L.W.S. The Special One wrote:
>> Does anyone have any jokes about chess?
>>
>> I once had dinner with Kasparov. However, we used a checkered
>> tablecloth, so it took him hours to finish his dinner.
>
> A gunman accidentally entered an incoorect door, and when he pointed
> his weapon and said, "All right, dob't nobody move," he discovered he
> was in a chess club.

A horsie once entered a chess club, and the TD asked him, 'hey mate, whats
with the long face?' Phil

> David Ames
>

Date: 22 Jan 2006 21:02:43
From: Jerzy
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

>> J.L.W.S. The Special One wrote:
>>> Does anyone have any jokes about chess?
>>>
>>> I once had dinner with Kasparov. However, we used a checkered
>>> tablecloth, so it took him hours to finish his dinner.
>>
>> A gunman accidentally entered an incoorect door, and when he pointed
>> his weapon and said, "All right, dob't nobody move," he discovered he
>> was in a chess club.
>
> A horsie once entered a chess club, and the TD asked him, 'hey mate, whats
> with the long face?' Phil
>

Why is chess so dangerous ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because when you fall asleep during a game your eye can be hit by a bishop.

Date: 22 Jan 2006 07:44:27
From: Major Cat
Subject: Re: Chess Jokes

J.L.W.S. The Special One wrote:
>
> Does anyone have any jokes about chess?
>
> I once had dinner with Kasparov. However, we used a checkered
> tablecloth, so it took him hours to finish his dinner.

You may get something interesting going at "rec.games.chess.misc" !
In case you have not noticed, the "analysis" newsgroup is a magnet
for "serious" types, for the most part... 8 >)

Regards,

Major Cat